Video: How Does Understanding Shame Help When Working with Parents?

For anyone who works with parents, it is helpful to know that shame is likely present, under the surface. And we may do things to trigger that shame… or to help counter or reduce that shame. 

For parents, there are spaces where shame is closer to the surface, and more easily triggered. Spaces where parents go to seek help, like in parenting groups or health care clinics or sessions with specialists, spaces where parents are more vulnerable because they are struggling, because they are worried, or because they wish that things could be better or that they could be better.

If parents come in the door already feeling down on themselves, they are primed to feel judged and shame and to disconnect, to be defensive in response to questions asked or information provided by the service providers, even with good intentions.

As the more knowledgeable agents in the room, service providers have a greater power to contribute to shame. And so it's helpful to tread lightly, to be gentle because it doesn't take a lot to trigger shame. And shame affects whether parents tend towards us and the help that we are trying to provide or turn away.