Video: What Can Shame Make Us Do?

Shame is one of those intense and powerful emotions that, when triggered, puts us into fight or flight mode and can hijack our ability to think clearly and make decisions.

Feeling shame makes us want to double down on our primitive reactions, like getting defensive and more rigid, holding on to control and power, or simply going inwards and completely disconnecting. This can sabotage our ability to act thoughtfully, to act with our better selves.

This is because shame is so uncomfortable that we've all developed strategies that spring into action quickly, to deflect the pain of shame. Sometimes we externalize, we put the blame and shame on others. We get defensive and angry at others, which may be easier than being angry at ourselves.

Other times we internalize. We blame ourselves. We might think, I'm a bad parent, I'm a failure, I'm just not good enough. We feel like the ugly parts of ourselves just got exposed and this makes us want to disappear, disconnect and hide.