and why it matters

The Research about Shame and Parenting

What is Shame?

Shame is that feeling we get when we think we've not met expectations and feel like there’s something wrong with us, or that we're not good enough. Shame often prevents us from feeling joy and compassion for ourselves and others. Shame also makes us act in ways that lead to more disconnect and suffering.

Why Focus on Parents? In today’s world, pressure and expectations are higher than ever on parents to be perfect. Parenting advice and comparisons are present 24/7 online., which can create a breeding ground for shame. For many parents, everyday situations can become spaces of fear and anxiety.

Why does Shame matter? Shame isn't just an uncomfortable feeling—it's a powerful emotion that can disrupt our ability to act and live well. It can make us act in defensive or angry ways, or disconnect and run away. For parents, it can get in the way of us learning and growing, and connecting with our kids. For service providers, addressing shame may be the key to better connection and support for parents.

What helps? Simple acts of kindness, understanding and self-compassion go a long way in reducing shame. Recognizing that parenting is challenging for everyone can make a big difference. Connection and community breaks down shame.

Why Discuss Shame? By talking openly about shame, we can disarm its power. The goal isn't to eliminate shame but to build resilience against it. Understanding and addressing shame is key to fostering growth, connection, and positive change in parenting and beyond.

Let's break the silence around shame and its impact on parents. Together, we can create supportive environments that empower parents and promote healthier relationships.

How I came to researching PARENTS and SHAME…

A few years back, I attended a popular parenting workshop that left me feeling terrible. As the presenter described the warm, responsive mothering that was essential in the first year, I started feeling like I've failed my child. Looking around, I saw others nodding, which made me feel even worse. I felt annoyed at the presenter and left as soon as I could. Later on, I realized I had missed helpful ideas from the workshop because I was too focused on feeling like a bad parent.

This experience got me thinking. I began noticing that the same workshops or articles inspired and engaged some parents but left others feeling judged and inadequate, affecting their learning and confidence. Why would the same information empower some parents but discourage others? Having studied emotions for years, I started exploring thoughts and feelings that may be unique to parents, and getting in the way of their learning and growth. This is how I discovered shame and guilt.

Since I was working with parents, I also wanted to find out if there are specific things providers can do or say to ensure parents feel good and learn effectively, rather than feeling down on themselves. My research focuses on understanding how parents' emotions affect their learning and confidence in parenting workshops, aiming to improve support and resources for all parents.

What I Learned

My PhD studies focused on answering this question. After reviewing decades of research on emotions and parenting, I discovered that:

  • Shame is more easily triggered in parents because it plays an evolutionary role in motivating parents to keep kids close, safe, and well

  • Shame makes us become defensive or angry, or run away and hide, and may explain why parents sometimes don’t react well to advice, even if it’s helpful.

In my research, I studied 400 parents who went through an online parenting workshop. My study found that:

  • Shame was present: Most parents experienced some level of shame during the workshop.

  • Shame impacted learning: Parents who had higher levels of shame were less receptive, engaged and motivated, felt less confident to make changes in parenting, and did poorer on a quiz at the end of the workshop, compared to parents that felt little shame.

  • What parents were saying to themselves mattered. Parents who thought the workshop reflected how they were inadequate, failing or not good enough, felt more shame, and had more negative learning outcomes.

  • There are messages that can be provided to reduce or mitigate the shame.

Literature on Shame, Parents and Learning

Publications from my study are pending. Meanwhile, here’s some articles I’d like to share from my research on shame and parenting :

Cacioppo, S. M. (2011). Balancing two worlds: The professional woman's experience of feeling inadequate as a new mother: A heuristic investigation. Available from ProQuest Dissertations & Theses Global. (899268461).

Cohen-Filipic, K., & Bentley, K. J. (2015). From every direction: Guilt, shame, and blame among parents of adolescents with co-occurring challenges. Child and Adolescent Social Work Journal, 32(5), 443-454. 10.1007/s10560-015-0381-9

Hays, S. (1996). The cultural contradictions of motherhood. New Haven, CT: Yale University Press.

Hrdy, S. B. (2009). Mothers and others: The evolutionary origins of mutual understanding. Harvard: Harvard University Press. 

Liss, M., Schiffrin, H. H., & Rizzo, K. M. (2013). Maternal guilt and shame: The role of self-discrepancy and fear of negative evaluation. Journal of Child and Family Studies, 22(8), 1112-1119. 10.1007/s10826-012-9673-2

Rotkirch, A., & Janhunen, K. (2010). Maternal guilt. Evolutionary Psychology : An International Journal of Evolutionary Approaches to Psychology and Behavior, 8(1), 90.

Ruckstaetter, J., Sells, J., Newmeyer, M. D., & Zink, D. (2017). Parental apologies, empathy, shame, guilt, and attachment: A path analysis. Journal of Counseling & Development, 95(4), 389-400. doi:10.1002/jcad.12154

Scarnier, M., Schmader, T., & Lickel, B. (2009). Parental shame and guilt: Distinguishing emotional responses to a child's wrongdoings. Personal Relationships, 16(2), 205-220. doi:10.1111/j.1475-6811.2009.01219.x

Sutherland, J. (2010). Mothering, guilt and shame: Mothering, guilt and shame. Sociology Compass, 4(5), 310-321. doi:10.1111/j.1751-9020.2010.00283.x

Tangney, J. P., & Dearing, R. L. (2002). Shame and guilt. New York: Guilford Press.

Tangney, J. P., & Tracy, J. L. (2012). Self-conscious emotions. In M. Leary, & J. P. Tangney (Eds.), Handbook of self and identity (2nd Edition, pp. 446-478). Guilford: New York.

Walker, J. (2017). Shame and transformation in the theory and practice of adult learning and education. Journal of Transformative Education, 15(4), 357-374. doi:10.1177/1541344617699591